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    November 22

    Recent Update

    It was a long time since I updated my last post. Somehow I become less interested in blogging. But I guess that's true with the change in my lifestyle, and perhaps for most people, the increased age is associated with a decrease in blogging frequency. Last year was the time for job application and future decision. Recently I am just trying to work on my stuff regarding application of pharmacy residency, a term that sounds a little fancier than other title. But I do think it's an important rout that I would like to pursue, and probably benefit from it significantly. Besides, working in the healthcare field in the US is a pretty interesting job. Although the word interesting doesn't convey anything more meaningful beyond its own definition. But certainly there are a lot of potentials for an individual to accomplish a lot of meaningful objectives. Of course by no mean money is one of them.

    The coming months would be filled with busy activities, such as ASHP Midyear Conference in Las Vegas, winter vacation back to NYC, potential trip to China to visit my family, and finalization of my residency outcome, future, and potential relocation, etc, etc, etc. Definitely lots of action without even time to think about it...

    Of course I have to definitely mention about my first poker tournament, sponsored by LKS fraternity organization. It was unfortunate that I got kicked out early in the tournament with a A6s vs AKo.... Well, at least I am over the loss now. But my two roommates did exceptionally well, both got 8th and 12th among approximately 100 people. Bravo to them.

    Therefore, the night ends here.
    July 29

    Why do we need democracy?

    Files Vanished, Young Chinese Lose the Future

    By SHARON LaFRANIERE
    Published: July 26, 2009

    WUBU, China — For much of his education, Xue Longlong was silently accompanied from grade to grade, school to school, by a sealed Manila envelope stamped top secret. Stuffed inside were grades, test results, evaluations by fellow students and teachers, his Communist Party application and — most important for his job prospects — proof of his 2006 college degree.

    Everyone in China who has been to high school has such a file. The files are irreplaceable histories of achievement and failure, the starting point for potential employers, government officials and others judging an individual’s worth. Often keys to the future, they are locked tight in government, school or workplace cabinets to eliminate any chance they might vanish.

    But two years ago, Mr. Xue’s file did vanish. So did the files of at least 10 others, all 2006 college graduates with exemplary records, all from poor families living near this gritty north-central town on the wide banks of the Yellow River.

    With the Manila folders went their futures, they say.

    Local officials said the files were lost when state workers moved them from the first to the second floor of a government building. But the graduates say they believe officials stole the files and sold them to underachievers seeking new identities and better job prospects — a claim bolstered by a string of similar cases across China.

    Today, Mr. Xue, who had hoped to work at a state-owned oil company, sells real estate door to door, a step up from past jobs passing out leaflets and serving drinks at an Internet cafe. Wang Yong, who aspired to be a teacher or a bank officer, works odd jobs. Wang Jindong, who had a shot at a job at a state chemical firm, is a construction day laborer, earning less than $10 a day.

    “If you don’t have it, just forget it!” Wang Jindong, now 27, said of his file. “No matter how capable you are, they will not hire you. Their first reaction is that you are a crook.”

    Perhaps no group here is more vilified and mistrusted than China’s local officials, who shoulder much of the blame for corruption within the Communist Party. The party constantly vows to rein them in; in October, President Hu Jintao said a clean party was “a matter of life and death.”

    Critics contend that China’s one-party system breeds graft that only democratic reforms can check. But China’s leaders say the solution is not grass-roots checks on power, but smarter oversight and crime-fighting.

    Public policy specialists say China is shifting its emphasis from headline-grabbing corruption cases to more systematic ways to hold officials accountable. The government opened an anticorruption hot line last month to encourage whistle-blowers. A few localities require that officials disclose their family assets to the party.

    But in Wubu, a struggling town of 80,000 banked by steep hills and coal mines, citizens say that local officials answer to no one, and that anyone who dares challenge them is punished.

    “When the central government talks about the economy and development, it sounds so great,” said Mr. Wang, the day laborer. “But at the local level, corrupt officials make all their money off of local people.”

    Student files are a proven moneymaker for corrupt state workers. Four years ago, teachers in Jilin Province were caught selling two students’ files for $2,500 and $3,600; the police suspected that they intended to sell a dozen more. In May, the former head of a township government in Hunan Province admitted that he had paid more than $7,000 to steal the identity of a classmate of his daughter, so his daughter could attend college using the classmate’s records.

    While not quite as important as in Communist China’s early days, when it was a powerful tool of social control, the file, called a dangan, is an absolute requirement for state employment and a means to bolster a candidate’s chances for some private-sector jobs, labor experts say. Because documents are collected over several years and signed by many people, they are virtually impossible to replicate.

    So in September 2007, when one Wubu graduate sought work at a local bank and discovered that his file was gone, word spread fast. For the next two years, his parents and a group of other parents in similar straits said, they sought help at every level of the bureaucracy.

    The government’s answer, they said, was to reject any inquiry, place the graduates’ parents under police surveillance and repeatedly detain them. Last February, they said, five parents trying to petition the national government were locked in an unofficial jail in Beijing for nine days.

    “We are so exhausted,” said one tearful mother, Song Heping. “Our nerves are about to snap from this torture. The officials who were responsible not only have not been punished, they have been promoted.”

    Wubu officials did not respond to repeated inquiries. One Chinese television journalist said they told him they had resolved the matter simply by creating new folders. But families say the folders held nothing but brief, error-riddled résumés that employers reflexively reject as fake.

    The parents are uniformly poor: one father drives a three-wheel taxi, earning just 15 cents per passenger.

    Mr. Xue’s parents sacrificed even more than most, in the belief that education would lead their children out of poverty. They earn just $450 a year growing dates, and live near a dirt mountain path, drinking well water and cooking over a wood fire.

    Mr Xue, the oldest child, wore secondhand clothes and skipped meals throughout high school. When he won admission to a university in Xian, 400 miles away, his parents borrowed to cover the $1,500 in annual expenses. Initially, it seemed the bet would pay off: he said he had had a chance to work at an oil company with a monthly salary of $735.

    But the job evaporated with his dangan. “It was a catastrophe,” he said. Now he earns a base salary of $90 a month as a door-to-door salesman and lives in a tiny, dingy room in a Xian slum.

    The woman he hoped to marry left him because her parents said he would never have a stable job. His mother suffered a nervous breakdown, and the family debt ballooned. his father, Xue Ruzhan, said he owed more than $10,000 — more than twice what his property is worth.

    “What is the point of continuing to live?” the father said. “Sometimes I want to commit suicide. These corrupt officials destroyed all our hopes.”

    Including, it seems, the hopes of Longlong’s younger sister, Xiaomei, an 11th grader who once thought she would follow him to a university degree.

    No more. “I want to quit,” she said during a school lunch break. “My brother graduated from college. What good did it do him?”

    Zhang Jing contributed research from Wubu, China, and Yang Xiyun from Beijing.




    July 23

    Driving Back

    While I was driving back home from rotation, I stopped, of course, it was because of red light. Then I heard a siren near by. It was from an ambulance. Now the traffic light turned to green. I wondered, what should I do? Some vehicles in the front stopped. I wondered if I should drive. The ambulance kept roaming and was coming to the opposite lane now. I could see it's running toward me. All the cars on the intersection were frozen. Only until the ambulance passed, the traffic started moving alone. Life resumed. I passed by.

    I just wonder an ambulance passed by in China, what would happen? Sigh...

    July 06

    wondering

    It's always difficult to understand what happens in the news unless you're involved.
    It's always difficult to understand how precious you own until you lose it, no matter it's love, family members, or democracy.
    I never felt so disappointed about China. The government, the entire system is so corrupted. There is no hope at this trend.
    I hate Chinese government.
    I felt sad.
    I felt I am lucky.
    I hope I can do something
    I felt I need to work hard.

    07-06-2009
    June 12

    That Fool

    Recently I found a Korean drama. Its name in English is "That Fool". When I watched it, I felt that many times this drama has touched my feeling. Even though I am getting older, but I have not changed deep inside. Sometimes I felt that the romantic scene in this drama happened on me, too. But there was no music and dramatic storyline. But when I think about it, it's the same sweetness. I really felt happy.
    May 11

    These days

    Perhaps it was different mentality. Perhaps it was different generation. My grandma sounded so disappointed and sad when she told me that her 破烂儿 were sold for only 13 yuan. In case you don't know the Chinese, they literally mean garbage. She used to save a whole bunch of "useless" things in hope to sell those garbage recycle collectors for money. And she innocently believes this principle. It became a daily habit. To everyone else, she wouldn't end up saving much. But it was one of her routine in her daily life. Sometimes it was frustrating to me to see so much craps everywhere at home. But in a way it was sort of cute.

    Semester officially ended. I can't say how much has happened during the past few months. My blog was pretty static, but the momentum of my life changed drastically-to a positive direction, that is. Now a bunch of people left. Another of my 2-years roommates left. Another of my college friends left. All my classmates went everywhere for their future rotations and their lives. A lively campus became quite again. And my life was all of sudden free of things to do (hence the blog here..). After all, it was a great feeling, the relaxation and feeling of accomplishment.

    Hopefully everyone achieves their objectives in the summer. For those who are traveling (you-know-who-I-am-talking-about), have a safe and fulfilling adventure. For others who stay at home, treasure the family time. For myself, kimi to iu kiseki ni.
    April 29

    4-29-09

    This is probably the most traveling semester I've been so far. I went to a cruise trip that consists of three destinations: Nassu of Bahamas, Cocoa Island, and  Key West of Florida. I also went to Ithaca and Cornell to check out my gf's old school. And in the coming days I will be heading to Toronto in Canada for another 2 days trip. My life has become so cozy.

    Yesterday one of my old friends told me he's going back to China, probably for a long time. It was back in high school I started to know him. He was kind of cool, shy and therefore, not very talkative guy. He has a quite heavy accent for speaking mandarin, which made easy for me to know right away he's from Guangzhou. Back then we used to talk a lot about different stuff, games, girls, basketball, girls, soccer, girls.... Anyway, just stuff young teenagers used to talk about.

    After high school, we went to different colleges. I was the only one among my friends who went to Buffalo, the city I used to think so barren and boring. After all these 5 years, I am still in school, and most of my friends are in the middle of their own paths. Some of them are at the end of their schooling, and some others probably have other plans like grad school or finding a job.

    I remember he used to share a lot of good Cantonese music. I still listen to them right now. They will remind me some good memories back then. I hope he could make his own dream on the other side of the world. So when I visit him, he can treat me all the meals and accommodate me a 5-star hotelOpen-mouthed. Good luck to him. And here is a picture for him.




    April 16

    Drug Literature Evaluation

    It's an interesting process to learn the needed skill when one reads medical literature. Many articles have misleading information and biased statement. What's the first thing when you read a medical literature? You should always doubt the result first.

    It's hard to imagine nowadays I could sit on the toilet, while taking my "big", reading some medical literature as my leisure reading. It's not like a vivid and heart-pumping fictional story or a astonishing news. It's plain words, sometimes with a few tables and graphs. And the information itself is very dry. But when I am more involved with the healthcare system, the information then became more relevant. However, the information presented in the literature is not just a question-answer type of format. Most of the time, the question is hardly answered with certainty.

    I guess the take home point is that the difficulty of bring a scientific knowledge into developing normal practice often comes with difficulties and complexity.
    April 14

    Following Events

    Today debate, Wednesday Quiz, Next Friday last Therapeutic Exam, last case submission,, critique submission, and then next week is the last last day of schooling.

    Everything goes pretty fast..
    February 26

    NYTIMES: When Consumers Cut Back: An Object Lesson From Japan

    By HIROKO TABUCHI
    Published: February 21, 2009

    TOKYO — As recession-wary Americans adapt to a new frugality, Japan offers a peek at how thrift can take lasting hold of a consumer society, to disastrous effect.

    The economic malaise that plagued Japan from the 1990s until the early 2000s brought stunted wages and depressed stock prices, turning free-spending consumers into misers and making them dead weight on Japan’s economy.

    Today, years after the recovery, even well-off Japanese households use old bath water to do laundry, a popular way to save on utility bills. Sales of whiskey, the favorite drink among moneyed Tokyoites in the booming ’80s, have fallen to a fifth of their peak. And the nation is losing interest in cars; sales have fallen by half since 1990.

    The Takigasaki family in the Tokyo suburb of Nakano goes further to save a yen or two. Although the family has a comfortable nest egg, Hiroko Takigasaki carefully rations her vegetables. When she goes through too many in a given week, she reverts to her cost-saving standby: cabbage stew.

    “You can make almost anything with some cabbage, and perhaps some potato,” says Mrs. Takigasaki, 49, who works part time at a home for people with disabilities.

    Her husband has a well-paying job with the electronics giant Fujitsu, but “I don’t know when the ax will drop,” she says. “Really, we need to save much, much more.”

    Japan eventually pulled itself out of the Lost Decade of the 1990s, thanks in part to a boom in exports to the United States and China. But even as the economy expanded, shell-shocked consumers refused to spend. Between 2001 and 2007, per-capita consumer spending rose only 0.2 percent.

    Now, as exports dry up amid a worldwide collapse in demand, Japan’s economy is in free-fall because it cannot rely on domestic consumption to pick up the slack.

    In the last three months of 2008, Japan’s economy shrank at an annualized rate of 12.7 percent, the sharpest decline since the oil shocks of the 1970s.

    “Japan is so dependent on exports that when overseas markets slow down, Japan’s economy teeters on collapse,” said Hideo Kumano, an economist at the Dai-ichi Life Research Institute. “On the surface, Japan looked like it had recovered from its Lost Decade of the 1990s. But Japan in fact entered a second Lost Decade — that of lost consumption.”

    The Japanese have had some good reasons to scale back spending.

    Perhaps most important, the average worker’s paycheck has shrunk in recent years, even after companies rebounded and bolstered their profits.

    That discrepancy is the result of aggressive cost-cutting on the part of Japanese exporters like Toyota and Sony. They, like American companies now, have sought to fend off cutthroat competition from companies in emerging economies like South Korea and Taiwan, where labor costs are low.

    To better compete, companies slashed jobs and wages, replacing much of their work force with temporary workers who had no job security and fewer benefits. Nontraditional workers now make up more than a third of Japan’s labor force.

    Younger people are feeling the brunt of that shift. Some 48 percent of workers age 24 or younger are temps. These workers, who came of age during a tough job market, tend to shun conspicuous consumption.

    They tend to be uninterested in cars; a survey last year by the business daily Nikkei found that only 25 percent of Japanese men in their 20s wanted a car, down from 48 percent in 2000, contributing to the slump in sales.

    Young Japanese women even seem to be losing their once- insatiable thirst for foreign fashion. Louis Vuitton, for example, reported a 10 percent drop in its sales in Japan in 2008.

    “I’m not interested in big spending,” says Risa Masaki, 20, a college student in Tokyo and a neighbor of the Takigasakis. “I just want a humble life.”

    Japan’s aging population is not helping consumption. Businesses had hoped that baby boomers — the generation that reaped the benefits of Japan’s postwar breakneck economic growth — would splurge their lifetime savings upon retirement, which began en masse in 2007. But that has not happened at the scale that companies had hoped.

    Economists blame this slow spending on widespread distrust of Japan’s pension system, which is buckling under the weight of one of the world’s most rapidly aging societies. That could serve as a warning for the United States, where workers’ 401(k)’s have been ravaged by declining stocks, pensions are disappearing, and the long-term solvency of the Social Security system is in question.

    “My husband is retiring in five years, and I’m very concerned,” says Ms. Masaki’s mother, Naoko, 52. She says it is no relief that her husband, a public servant, can expect a hefty retirement package; pension payments could fall, and she has two unmarried children to worry about.

    “I want him to find another job, and work as long as he’s able,” Mrs. Masaki says. “We must be ready to fend for ourselves.”

    Economic stimulus programs like the one President Obama signed into law last week have been hampered in Japan by deflation, the downward spiral of prices and wages that occurs when consumers hold down spending — in part because they expect goods to be cheaper in the future.

    Economists say deflation could interfere with the two trillion yen ($21 billion) in cash handouts that the Japanese government is planning, because consumers might save the extra money on the hunch that it will be more valuable in the future than it is now.

    The same fear grips many economists and policymakers in the United States. “Deflation is a real risk facing the economy,” President Obama’s chief economic adviser, Lawrence H. Summers, told reporters this month.

    Hiromi Kobayashi, 38, a Tokyo homemaker, has taken to sewing children’s ballet clothes at home to supplement income from her husband’s job at a movie distribution company. The family has not gone on vacation in two years and still watches a cathode-ray tube TV. Mrs. Kobayashi has her eye on a flat-panel TV but is holding off.

    “I’m going to find a bargain, then wait until it gets even cheaper,” she says.

    February 03

    Morning

    This morning my roommate Jackson and I had a free meal in Dennys. The commercial was on during Superbowl. And now everyone knows. It was from 6am to 2pm. But most college students got up late around 12pm. Jackson and I left around 10:20am and we actually got back around 11:30am for a free meal, which was not bad at all. The line was not too long, and the turnover rate of customers was quite fast.

    Actually there was an old guy in front of us who was waiting online with his wife for the free deal, too. He was eager to have a conversation with us. And he told us about himself and asked me a couple of questions about where I am from, what I major in, etc. So apparently he graduated in UB and majored in something about labor union and he said he hated the type of work. So instead he went to US Army for 8 years, and then went to engineering school there. After than he worked in an oil company for 35 years and now he's retired. I thought that was both interesting and impressive. He also had a granddaughter who studied in Syracuse and intended to study medicine. From what he said, she seemed to be a brilliant student, got a full scholarship, and trying to apply John Hopkin.

    After he knew what I was majoring in, he asked me curiously, "I heard from friends that pharmacists right out of school makes a good amount of money. At least they can make 70's, right?" I did acknowledged the fact that the salary of a pharmacist is pretty good, but I did not insist the number part because in my opinion, after all, people will recognize what you have done, but whatever how much money you make will not be remembered or even bothered to know. But the need to get a better living standard is just a side note of every single job out there.

    January 06

    Jan 6th

    It was late night. Tomorrow morning I will depart here. Checking my email abroad makes me feel that the distance is so huge, and the two sides of the world is so different. It would be impossible for anyone to understand this difference from paper without a true life experience. It makes me wonder whether I am going back or I am leaving here.
     
    Life will back to a kind of routine again after some times. But my family stays, my home is still there, my loved ones won't change. And the younger generation, like myself, is going to start the adult life soon. The older generation, they will be waiting for something to happen.
     
    Tradition and culture are so difficult and complex to identify in words. To find out what it is, you have to try it by yourself.
    December 24

    Christmas Eve

    Christmas Eve is always a special occasion. Last Christmas Eve I remembered I was with Yifan and his friends wondering around in Manhattan. I always loved the Christmas atmosphere in Manhattan. It wasn't only about the holiday. New York City has its special aroma where the flow of dynamics changes rapidly with the time. It was modern, and yet there was something classic about the city, its history and tradition. I loved the celebration of people from everywhere in the world. And sometimes standing in the middle of Time Square, you feel like you're at the center of the world. And that was special.

     

    This year I came back to China for a brief visit. So far it wasn't all pleasant. But on the opposite side, there were a lot of things to write about, a lot of things in which I would not have understood without the actual experience of these events, and many different perspectives from two years ago. Above all, I am sure, at the end of this trip, I would only feel nostalgic. But there would not be regret. Same thing as everything else. There are so much left to be done, yet with so little time. And I am blessed with such fortune.

     

    Love is everything.

     

    p.s. Happy birthday, CTW.

    November 29

    My Mug

    I don't even remember how long I haven't updated my blog. Semester is going to end soon. And I will be back to China soon... Everything comes to an end soon. And when my new semester starts, other things will come to an end, too. Somehow I feel that time becomes increasingly sparse. Sometimes a day goes by too fast. And many days became a day without thinking. Maybe I was a little bit too busy. A semester of 22 credits plus other stuff, I will feel relieved when everything comes to an end.

    This Thanksgiving I bought a lot of stuff, which is proportional to the amount of money I spent.... This economic recession started to exert pressure on me. But I think it's a good time that I should spend some extra money, not only for myself, also for people who I care.

    Overall, I think I am a very careless person. I didn't realize it over one night. It took me a while to realize. I usually focus a lot on the big picture, and a lot of times just think about myself. The new mug I got is very sweet and special. It made my heart felt warmth. I will try my best to treasure it.

    Thank you... Smile

    October 26

    Genomic Paper...

    God, my mood is so much better now after I finished that genomic paper.... But I know I still got a lot of works ahead of me before this hectic semester ends. At least one more thing is gone.

    Recently I am not doing so well. I basically completely stopped exercise this semester... Grade is going downhill. Spending, on the other hand, is going up dramatically. A bunch of things I need to worry about besides school works. Also the flint apartment doesn't seem as fun as last semester for reasons not need to mention... Sigh, I miss those days really. Next year I will be going to my rotation. Time really does fly. At one point, I felt I really need to study more. But at the same time I am tired of schooling and felt somewhat relieved of the going-to-end-soon status. Now I think about it, I should treasure the time left even more.

    Life is complicated.
    October 20

    Aricept

    Today an old couple came in to pick their prescription. When I tried to cash them out, the old lady was astonished by her Aricept's price. It was 244 dollars. She was complaining that she supposed to pay only 20 dollars copay and thought it didn't go through her Epic insurance. I double-checked and it did went through insurance. And the pharmacist came and inquired about the situation. And finally it was clear that apparently their Aricept hit the deductible, which means they have to pay certain amount of cash before the insurance covers their prescription again. After all, they had to pay 244 to get it. The old man thought it was 2 dollar and 44 cents. After he gave me 3 dollars, I corrected him. Then he started groaning, "Oh my god! 244 dollars! I am not taking it. That's it. I am not taking this." Apparently he's trying to complaining about the helpless situation. I knew I couldn't help anything. It's not only about business. It's a cruel fact of the healthcare system. While the old guy was rather upset aside the cashier register, the old lady took out her wallet and started counting the money. "He has to take it. Don't listen to him. He has to take it."

    Somehow I remembered this part of the day very well. When I looked at their background, I think they're actually a very cute couple in a way. But all of sudden I think about it, it's a little bit sad. It seemed to me that the old lady knew why he has to take Aricept. It reminded me of some tragic romantic movies I watched about Alzheimer's disease. Instead, the one in front of me was real.
    October 01

    Septemper Report

    Recently my life was sort of messed up. Reasons are below:
    1. messed up sleeping time, and continuously feeling fatigued;
    2. totally out of shape; almost a complete halt of any exercises;
    3. a significant reduction in academic performance, a direct correlation with the amount of effort I've spent;
    4. a little bit over-budgeting, a little bit too much ordering-out, lack of motivation to cook, etc.
    5. neglecting the blog; recent blogs only showed a lack of substance, lack of effort and lack of enthusiasm.
    6. lack of self-restraint in many things, gaming, online browsing, etc.

    I felt surprised to write down those so quickly. These problems have to be resolved as soon as possible.
    September 27

    Debate

    Who thinks the presidential debate is interesting?
    September 20

    Find

    A lot of times people are in a confused state in which direction is lost, or tranquility is broken. I think it's both hard and precious if one can find his point of interest. It may be something he likes to do, some food he likes to eat, someone he likes. Those are all very important and crucial things in one's life. Growing up, going to a series years of schooling, and eventually utilizing the education/training one received, to me that seems to be a seamless line of perfection, a series of what-it-supposed-to-be life stages. The beauty of it is that everything does not seem as simplistic as it sounds. And to me a lot of times I just follow the next supposed-to-be step without really thinking about questions like, what am I going to do, what do I love to do for rest of my life, what do I want to accomplish, how do I compromise a problem. In the end, I really appreciate my life, and really love my parents and family regardless of whatever happened. That is the answer I found.
    September 18

    Hilarious Email to Professor

    Hi professor, On today test, question #10 Binding of an extracellular agonist to G-protein coupled receptor cause: C. The exchange of GTP for GDP on the alpha subunit This answer was misleading. I have heard from classmate that you have clarified this during the exam, but i had left or was not aware of the announcement. The exchange of GTP for GDP on the alpha subunit can be read as if GTP was orginally on the subunit and was then replace with GDP. One might have concluded to this to be the wrong answer by the following analogy The exchange of a white girl for black girl on my lap. The exchange of chicken for salad on the blue plate. It is ambiguous to which was on the plate first, the chicken or the salad or the white girl or black girl p.s.... "The exchange of chicken for salad on the blue plate" is a run on sentence It could be written as "The exchange of chicken, for salad on the blue plate"-- this would suggest that the salad was on the blue plate first "The exchange of chicken for salad, on the blue plate"-- this would suggest that the chicken was on the plate first to be exchanged with the salad. But if it was "the exchange of chicken in place of salad on the plate" it would be very clear to interpret what was on the plate first I would like to know if the exchange of C for E on the exam is possible? or the exchange of E for C on the exam is possible? or accept both as an answer, for those who were unfortunate to NOT hear your clarification. Thank you, for reading my email!